i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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