I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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