Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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