her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
