I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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