Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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