It's like God shit irony all over that family
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
