He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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