Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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