you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
