That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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