alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
