my vag is so smooth its legendary
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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