I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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