I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I didn't notice because vodka
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
