How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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