Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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