first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
