alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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