I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
