My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
