his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't turn off my feet"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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