This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
