Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
