My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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