P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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