Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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