i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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