i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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