I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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