You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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