he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
