I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
