all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
being pregnant is like rehab
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize