I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
