I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
