she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
