I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
