I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
