He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
