Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
