A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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