got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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