it was like getting a handjob from robocop
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize