im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
