if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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