im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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