Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
