dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
