My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
