I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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