They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize