i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
