my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just forgot I was standing up.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
