Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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