Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she peed on how many people?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
