u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i think i just lost a toe
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