none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
look no pants
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
