so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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