"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
