I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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