You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Randomize
