His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
