I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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