Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
