Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
