im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
