he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
